I am always astonished at the pervasive use of the face slap as a dramatic device in drama. The (invariably) female character is unhappy with something the (invariably) male character said or did, (or she believed he said or did) and slaps him across the face.
She then turns on her heels and storms off in a fit of self righteous pique. The camera zooms in on the man’s face, as he carefully considers the woman’s behaviour. He does nothing. If it is a sitcom, there may be a laughter track.
The reason why I am sensitive to this is that for several years I was in an abusive relationship with a woman. For years I turned my back to her and she continued beating me on my head, my shoulders and my back. When I confided in a male friend he asked me “what did you do to provoke her?”
I walked out, long after I should have done, and she continued the abuse by sending me hundreds of abusive text messages every day. I took her to court to stop the electronic abuse and a court official offered me the option of getting her to sign a solemn declaration that she would stop (instead of bringing the matter before the court.)
I took that option.
I reflect upon that decision often. At the time I just wanted it to stop -of course- but knowing what I do now, I would have declined that option. There will be a record somewhere, but my point is that there will be no court-ordered injunction against her. I wonder how many men have seen a non-judicial path as being the quickest solution to female-on-male violence?
That is before we consider the mechanism in the state where I live (Victoria) that men reporting domestic violence are subjected to an initial screening process specifically designed to identify the male caller as a perpetrator rather than the victim.
Perhaps our sitcoms should show a more realistic scenario when a woman slaps a man’s face in a fit of pique? The man responds by hitting her back. “Everyone has a plan …until they get punched in the face” is attributed to Mike Tyson. I’m not sure that a laughter track would be appropriate, but it would certainly “start a conversation”
Abusive relationships are horrible. My profound sympathies. (More of my close friendship network have had abusive mothers than abusive fathers, with emotional abuse being more common than physical abuse.)
I would point out that I have just used the same metric that I have use across countries and elections—the average of the polls. Given that VP Harris had never polled as well as Secretary Clinton, I could not see how she would fail to do worse than Secretary Clinton.
Overall, Lorenzo, this is a great article, but the female violence bit does not - in my experience - pass the reality test. Not that I'm saying that it never happens (I have the scars to deny such a statement), but in my 60+ years, as far as I recall, I'm the only one of the males I have known (including partners of women with severe mental illnesses) to whom it has happened Even if there is an element of not telling anyone, there isn't the collection of bruises, bites and other injuries I've seen on women I have known. Maybe the perception of violence is different between men and women - I don't know - but something just doesn't seem right about this claim of violence equally distributed between the sexes.
It does not claim that severity of violence is equally distributed (clearly not true, the male rates of partner homicide are higher though, in Australia at least, the gap is narrowing). Also, violence is very unevenly distributed by class and locality. The willingness to admit being a victim may also be unevenly distributed.
Counting bruises is not a reliable measure of the impact of intimate partner violence, Jeremy. Apart from Amber Heard’s amazing mobile bruise, the point is that most intimate partner violence is reciprocal.
Full stop.
The woman may slap, the man may, or may not reciprocate. But the reaction is very different. Why is that?
I agree with your comment about the reliability of visible injury, Paul, and I could have made it clearer in my original post. However, I think something can be drawn from it, since - as I said, I have the prhsical scars to show from it. I also very much regard slaps as somewhat trivial - though, if persistent, a problem to be dealt with.
I was brought up - correctly, in my opinion - to never hit a woman for anything less than serious risk of harm. Even when my head was being sliced open, I did not hit back, but got in closer and disarmered her. I maintain I did the right thing, and that had I retaliated, I should have been prosecuted - and I apply that to any man.
i think the keep ones mouth shut and walk away strategy or only block unless repeat attack might work. He could have raised his voice and told her to back off but he was clearly in shock disbelief amd feeling threatened.
You've been lucky with your experience then. Me, not so much. I had a mentally ill mother who beat hell out of me and my siblings on a regular basis.
I then had two marriages in which I was physically assaulted by my wives (and also verbally and emotionally) on several occasions. Wife number one was also violent towards our children.
Some recent insight leads me to think that the married experiences were closely related to my childhood experiences.
So it's a sample size of 1, but 100% of those surveyed have experienced severe violence from female partners.
I also have anecdotal evidence of several male friends being on the receiving end of female violence. There's a lot more of it around than anybody will admit.
Being a victim of violence has a dreadful tendency to repeat across generations. My profound sympathies for your experiences, and those of your children.
I don't talk about this a lot. One thing I vowed was that I would be better than my parents at being a parent, and I think I succeeded. My three children are good competent adults, and I never laid a finger on any of them, so that intergenerational cycle has been broken.
A point worth noting. Both my grandfathers were veterans of the western front trenches in WW1. My Mum's father shot himself when she was a little girl, and it ruined her for life. Literally drove her mad, without a doubt. My Dad's father died of natural causes in 1978, but he too drove his children mad.
Here we are in 2024, and the ghosts of the WW1 trenches are still rattling around in my closet.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know that mental illness has terrible effects on those around the person with the diagnosis, especially children (I used to be a psychiatric nurse), and that it can be difficult to avoid repeating it later. I hope you are in a better place now.
I don't deny that the figures for female-on-male violence may be inaccurate for many reasons, but I don't think, based on my small sample size and poor research design that the numbers are anything like equal - that's the point I'm making.
I don't know what the actual figures are, but I have no doubt that the rate of female on male DV is much higher than reported. Among other things, men in our culture are ashamed to admit that they've been beaten by a woman. I know I was.
Whatever the actual numbers may be, it would be a very good thing for our society to acknowledge this, and attempt to rectify it. I doubt this will happen in my lifetime. We are far more likely to see a continuation of the "All Men Are Rapists" theme into the foreseeable future, to the detriment of us all.
Women tend to be more adept at using indirect agression. An abusive woman could feasibly ruin a man's life to the point of ruining his career, isolating him from friends and family, landing him in prison or driving him to suicide without ever having to lay a single finger on him.
I am always astonished at the pervasive use of the face slap as a dramatic device in drama. The (invariably) female character is unhappy with something the (invariably) male character said or did, (or she believed he said or did) and slaps him across the face.
She then turns on her heels and storms off in a fit of self righteous pique. The camera zooms in on the man’s face, as he carefully considers the woman’s behaviour. He does nothing. If it is a sitcom, there may be a laughter track.
The reason why I am sensitive to this is that for several years I was in an abusive relationship with a woman. For years I turned my back to her and she continued beating me on my head, my shoulders and my back. When I confided in a male friend he asked me “what did you do to provoke her?”
I walked out, long after I should have done, and she continued the abuse by sending me hundreds of abusive text messages every day. I took her to court to stop the electronic abuse and a court official offered me the option of getting her to sign a solemn declaration that she would stop (instead of bringing the matter before the court.)
I took that option.
I reflect upon that decision often. At the time I just wanted it to stop -of course- but knowing what I do now, I would have declined that option. There will be a record somewhere, but my point is that there will be no court-ordered injunction against her. I wonder how many men have seen a non-judicial path as being the quickest solution to female-on-male violence?
That is before we consider the mechanism in the state where I live (Victoria) that men reporting domestic violence are subjected to an initial screening process specifically designed to identify the male caller as a perpetrator rather than the victim.
Perhaps our sitcoms should show a more realistic scenario when a woman slaps a man’s face in a fit of pique? The man responds by hitting her back. “Everyone has a plan …until they get punched in the face” is attributed to Mike Tyson. I’m not sure that a laughter track would be appropriate, but it would certainly “start a conversation”
Abusive relationships are horrible. My profound sympathies. (More of my close friendship network have had abusive mothers than abusive fathers, with emotional abuse being more common than physical abuse.)
My heart goes out to you mate. Been there, done that. You aren't alone in this miserable experience.
Very excellent article. My only objection is to the term "secular clerisy". I prefer Paul Johnson's "infernal theocracy".
Golden.
OT, but LW deserves a humble tip of the hat.
LW recently predicted DT would win the US national election, even the popular vote.
I quibbled and wondered about the popular vote, which I thought would go to Harris.
Trump won the popular vote by a 5-million count, as of now.
So an Aussie was able to out-predict a Yank.
I would point out that I have just used the same metric that I have use across countries and elections—the average of the polls. Given that VP Harris had never polled as well as Secretary Clinton, I could not see how she would fail to do worse than Secretary Clinton.
Great work mate! Well researched, well written, both interesting and informative.
this is in depth congrats
Overall, Lorenzo, this is a great article, but the female violence bit does not - in my experience - pass the reality test. Not that I'm saying that it never happens (I have the scars to deny such a statement), but in my 60+ years, as far as I recall, I'm the only one of the males I have known (including partners of women with severe mental illnesses) to whom it has happened Even if there is an element of not telling anyone, there isn't the collection of bruises, bites and other injuries I've seen on women I have known. Maybe the perception of violence is different between men and women - I don't know - but something just doesn't seem right about this claim of violence equally distributed between the sexes.
It does not claim that severity of violence is equally distributed (clearly not true, the male rates of partner homicide are higher though, in Australia at least, the gap is narrowing). Also, violence is very unevenly distributed by class and locality. The willingness to admit being a victim may also be unevenly distributed.
Counting bruises is not a reliable measure of the impact of intimate partner violence, Jeremy. Apart from Amber Heard’s amazing mobile bruise, the point is that most intimate partner violence is reciprocal.
Full stop.
The woman may slap, the man may, or may not reciprocate. But the reaction is very different. Why is that?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4akMaeZ0-k
I agree with your comment about the reliability of visible injury, Paul, and I could have made it clearer in my original post. However, I think something can be drawn from it, since - as I said, I have the prhsical scars to show from it. I also very much regard slaps as somewhat trivial - though, if persistent, a problem to be dealt with.
I was brought up - correctly, in my opinion - to never hit a woman for anything less than serious risk of harm. Even when my head was being sliced open, I did not hit back, but got in closer and disarmered her. I maintain I did the right thing, and that had I retaliated, I should have been prosecuted - and I apply that to any man.
i think the keep ones mouth shut and walk away strategy or only block unless repeat attack might work. He could have raised his voice and told her to back off but he was clearly in shock disbelief amd feeling threatened.
You've been lucky with your experience then. Me, not so much. I had a mentally ill mother who beat hell out of me and my siblings on a regular basis.
I then had two marriages in which I was physically assaulted by my wives (and also verbally and emotionally) on several occasions. Wife number one was also violent towards our children.
Some recent insight leads me to think that the married experiences were closely related to my childhood experiences.
So it's a sample size of 1, but 100% of those surveyed have experienced severe violence from female partners.
I also have anecdotal evidence of several male friends being on the receiving end of female violence. There's a lot more of it around than anybody will admit.
Being a victim of violence has a dreadful tendency to repeat across generations. My profound sympathies for your experiences, and those of your children.
Thank you Sir. Much appreciated.
I don't talk about this a lot. One thing I vowed was that I would be better than my parents at being a parent, and I think I succeeded. My three children are good competent adults, and I never laid a finger on any of them, so that intergenerational cycle has been broken.
A point worth noting. Both my grandfathers were veterans of the western front trenches in WW1. My Mum's father shot himself when she was a little girl, and it ruined her for life. Literally drove her mad, without a doubt. My Dad's father died of natural causes in 1978, but he too drove his children mad.
Here we are in 2024, and the ghosts of the WW1 trenches are still rattling around in my closet.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know that mental illness has terrible effects on those around the person with the diagnosis, especially children (I used to be a psychiatric nurse), and that it can be difficult to avoid repeating it later. I hope you are in a better place now.
I don't deny that the figures for female-on-male violence may be inaccurate for many reasons, but I don't think, based on my small sample size and poor research design that the numbers are anything like equal - that's the point I'm making.
Thank you.
I don't know what the actual figures are, but I have no doubt that the rate of female on male DV is much higher than reported. Among other things, men in our culture are ashamed to admit that they've been beaten by a woman. I know I was.
Whatever the actual numbers may be, it would be a very good thing for our society to acknowledge this, and attempt to rectify it. I doubt this will happen in my lifetime. We are far more likely to see a continuation of the "All Men Are Rapists" theme into the foreseeable future, to the detriment of us all.
Women tend to be more adept at using indirect agression. An abusive woman could feasibly ruin a man's life to the point of ruining his career, isolating him from friends and family, landing him in prison or driving him to suicide without ever having to lay a single finger on him.
Alas, yes. This is very much tied up with the denial of the existence of cancel culture.
I would never deny that. I was referring to physical violence only, in this instance.